Why me...and Why so often?!
by oOAnime AngelOo
Summary: Jim ponders why he is the victim of so much abuse in fics....with a little help from me. Did I mention that I write Jim torture/angst? *smiles evilly* I wrote this while at home sick, so don't blame me if it is silly and stupid. It is NOT meant to offend


Why me

**Why me...and why so OFTEN?!**

**By: Anime Angel~^0^**

A note to all lawyer/weirdo/overly serious/flamer people: 

Jim: *walking in* Ahem! *stands up taller and says in a booming professional voice* This fic is not intended for any readers under the age of...um...*reads cue card* THIRTEEN...for there is mild swearing! *gasp* References to violent actions taken againts me...poor poor sweet innocent Jim. *more gasps* And finally....um... please...read responsibly. *blinks* READ RESPONSIBLY?! Who wrote this crap!?

Angel: That would be ME! *glares down on the ever so small Jim* Do you have a PROBLEM with it?!

Jim: *in a squeaky voice* No....

Angel: Good. Now CONTINUE! *pulls out pen* Or I shall make a cow fall on YOU!

Jim: Wait a minute! Isn't this fic supposed to be about poor little abused me? *Angel ignores this and holds up pen* Fine fine...*puts on professional voice again* To all lawyers who may be thinking of suing this authoress who is so wonderful and beautiful and creative....

Angel: *smiling* Yes...go on go on...

Jim: ...and slightly self obsessive...

Angel: Yes -- WAIT A MINUTE! THAT IS NOT IN THE SCRIPT! *whips out pen again* AHA! *a cow falls on Jim*

Cow: Moo. 

Jim: *from under cow* AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! *cow starts to chew on hair* EW! COW SPIT! ACK! OKAY OKAY! I GIVE UP! I'll READ THE STUPID THING!

Cow: Moo....

Angel: Well then...*cow disappears* Go on.

Jim: *covered in cow spit* Ahem...*clears throat* These characters including me, Jim who is inferior to Anime Angel, are not OWNED by Anime Angel EVEN THOUGH she acts like it and bosses them around...

Angel: I DO NOT BOSS THEM AROUND! *snaps fingers* GENE! Get me my daily banana! NOW! *Gene walks in in an apron with a giant platter* Good good...

Jim: Uhuh. Aaaaaaaanyways.... Now that Angel has taken up *cough*half of the page with this stupid note*cough*...

Angel: HEY! 

Jim: ...here is the fic. 

Angel: *sarcastically* Oh THAT was enthusiastic. COME ON!

Jim: Yay.

Angel: AHEM! Since Jim is obviously NOT the RIGHT person to do this sort of thing...I must tell you all in my own words: this is not really a STORY, for it has no story line and/or plot. It is just Jim....complaining....and occasionally receiving comments from me, Gene and those other characters who wish to intervine. To those Jim torure/angst writers out there...THIS IS FOR YOU! You see, alas, I am guilty of torturing Jim and causing him grief and pain...even though I love the boy dearly! So...um...here it is....

And now here is the fic that I wrote while at home alone with pneumonia and writers block...which I think is now gone thanks to this fic:

*Gene and Jim are sitting in chairs around a table of their apartment...making _conversation_...I am of course up in my authoress box way way way up above the puny Outlaw Star characters...*

Angel: Ready...ACTION!

Jim: *reading off of a script with his arm in sling* WHY ME?! AND AGAIN!? This is the FOURTH time this week this has happened! I am running out of legs to walk with! Not to mention that Angel dropped that COW on me... *holds up bandaged leg* SEE?! *thinks for a moment* And isn't this supposed to be us conversing? Why the hell do we need scripts if we are having a CONVERSATION?!

Angel: BECAUSE! This is MY fic. *Jim throws script out window* HEY! Now you just need to settle down little Jimmy...or else I think I might just make more cows fall on you or maybe*goes on in background*

Jim: Well while we are on this subject ... why do they need to beat up on me?

Gene: *snicker* I dunno...maybe it's because you looked cute when you flew in front of that car...or that time when my girlfriend ... *thinks* Boy she was hot... 

Jim: CUTE?! They think it's CUTE when my BRAINS splatter all over the sidewalk?! Or when I get smothered by pillows?! 

Angel: HEY NOW MISTER! This is MY fic, and you are to do what I tell you: NO REFERENCES TO MY OTHER FICS!

Gene: At least Angel made her hot...

Jim: But it's TRUE! You had me smothered by a pillow, kicked out of my own room, impaled with a knife...

Angel: You were CUT by the knife.

Jim: *rolls eyes* Same difference...isn't Gene...?!

Angel: You are SUPPOSED TO SAY ANIKI!

Jim: Yeah yeah...Aniki...! You remember the time when she left me in that burning ship thing? That was child abuse!

Gene: *shrugs* Don't ask me...ask the authors...

Angel: AHEM! And authoresses....

Gene: Yeah yeah...besides! I got impaled by the knife too!

Angel: CUT...

Jim: I mean, I know that I am simply ADORABLE....but does that really mean that I need to get beaten, impaled, raped, hit, molested, kidnapped--

Angel: WHAT?! You were never molested!

Jim: Well, I WAS raped!

Angel: That is not molesting.

Jim: *narrowing eyes* YES IT IS!

Angel: No it's not!

Jim: YES!

Angel: NO! *holds up pen* AGREE! OR THERE WILL BE MORE COWS!

Jim: BUT--

Angel: COWS!

Jim: *pointing at authoress* SEE?! There she goes again...trying to HURT ME! You make me off as some dumbass like Gene!

Gene: Heh...that's a good one Jim....HEY WAIT--

Angel: Well, see, if you weren't dumb at least part of the time, then you wouldn't blindly walk into traps where you could get hurt...

Jim: *waving arms* HELLO?! That's a GOOD THING!

Angel: *whining* But...but then it wouldn't be fun! You would just go on being cute lil Jim...

Jim: SO?!

Angel: And we couldn't feel sorry for you! Or imagine holding your poor little broken body...

Jim: *shudders* Okay..that is just a little more than messed up...

Angel: Oh come on! It's not THAT bad...is it? I mean, you ARE just an anime character (notice I didn't say CARTOON ^_^)

Jim: So?! I have feelings too...and I DO feel bad when I get beaten up!

Angel: Which is why we like to see you suffer! 

Jim: *rolls eyes...again* That makes NO sense, Angel. How can you ENJOY reading about me getting beaten up by guys that are five times as big as me?! 

Angel: ..........

Jim: Not only that, but how can you enjoy WRITING about guys beating me up?!

Angel: Well....you see....

Jim: AND SEEING ME SUFFER?!

Angel: All right all right, I'll give you an example. *starts writing furiously*

Jim: Hey...hey what are you doing?!

Angel: *still writing* Writing you an example.

Jim: Oh no...*gulp* I have a bad feeling about this...

*suddenly a big guy walks in, picks up Jim, and beats him into the floor*

Jim: ANGEL *whack!* PLEASE *whack!* STOP *whack!* IT *whack!* NOW! *whack*

Angel: FINE! Do you get it now?

Jim: NO! *giant man stops*

Gene: *laughes uncontrollably* AHAHAHHAHAHHAH! JIM! WHO'S THE DUMBASS NOW?

Angel: You see, it doesn't have the same affect when Gene gets beaten up!

Gene: Jim...stupid Jim...AHAHAHAHA-- *big man picks up Gene* HEY WAIT! *man beats Gene up too*

Angel: And now the experimental part! *opens cage full of rabid fan girls* SIC EM!

Rabid Fan Girls: AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! IT'S JIM HAWKING! *they pounce on Jim* 

Jim: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *gets smothered by girls*

Rabid Fan Girl#1: AIIIIEEE! I GOT HIS SHIRT!

RFG#2: I GOT HIS PANTS!

RFG#3: I GOT HIS BOXERS!

RFG#4: *squealing* OH NO YOU DON'T! *she latches onto Jim's boxers* I GOT HIS BOXERS!

RFG#3: THEY'RE MINE!

RFG#4: MINE!

RFG#3: MINE!

Angel: See? Only one or two went to Gene. The rest went to you! (sorry Gene fans...)

Jim: *sarcastic* Gee thanks....Um....ladies you can get off now.... *they all manage to get off his boxers* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! STOPPIT!

RFG#5: *whines* But I didn't get anything...

Jim: *covers himself up* OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF!

Rabid Fan Girls: BUT JIIIIIIMMMMMMYYYYY! *they notice he is naked* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! JIM YOU ARE SO CUTE!

Jim: EW STOP LOOKING! GO AWAY SHOO!

RFG#5: YAY! I GOT HIS KAWAII BLOND HAIR....AND AN EYE-FULL! *suddenly all rabid fan girls disappear*

Gene: GEEZ! That was so NOT funny!

Angel: *snickers* I thought it was...

Jim: You know, why did you put this in humor ANYWAYS?! This is like....HORROR!

Angel: Well **I** think it's funny!

Jim: I DON'T! NO ONE IS GOING TO LIKE THIS FIC!

Angel: *sniffle* Yes they are...

Jim and Gene: NO NO NO!

Angel: DAMMIT! I HAVE PNEUMONIA AND WRITER'S BLOCK AND I HAVE ALREADY HAD TOO MANY SODAS! *suddenly the fan girls reappear*

Jim: *his eyes widen* Oh no....

Rabid Fan Girls: AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! THERE HE IS! *they attach themselves to Jim* Oh JIMMY! YOU LOOK SO KAWAII WHEN YOU ARE NAKED!

Jim: EW! GET OFF! OKAY OKAY! ANGEL I AM SORRYYY!!!!

Rabid Fan Girls: OH JIM! JIM JIM JIM JIM *they all disappear*

Angel: HAPPY?!

Jim: Eep! That was....

Gene: DISTURBING! And I wasn't even in the middle of it!

Angel: So do you get it now Jim? WHY we enjoy torturing you so?

Jim: No....

Angel: WHAT?! AFTER ALL OF THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?!

Jim: No.

Angel: You don't get why all of my favorite fics are about you getting beaten up?

Jim: No.

Angel: Tortured?

Jim: No.

Angel: Depressed?

Jim: No.

Angel: Raped?

Jim: No.

Angel: Smothered by demented girls?

Jim: No NO NO NO NO!

Angel: Oh. Well...we do...SO DEAL WITH IT!

Jim: Yipe...!

Gene: So does this mean that when you beat ME up in a fic, you think I am adorable?

Angel: Maybe...but not as cute as Jim!

Gene: Cool! *goes off in search of Gene torture fics*

Angel: At least SOMEONE enjoys getting tortured.

Jim: That's just because he's a SLEEZ and enjoys you crazy women!

Angel: SO?! Don't you just LUV us Jimmy-boy? *bats eyelashed*

Jim: NO.

Angel: *glomps Jim* WELL WE LUV YOU! 

Jim: Oh great...that's the problem....

* AHEM! Well? Yeah yeah...so it was meaningless and stupid...but it is BORING HERE! I had nothing else to do...and I just wanted you to all know that this is not meant to affend any Jim torture writers. K? I am one too, so there. I am proud of being obsessed with lil Jimmy!!!! 

Jim: Oh great...


End file.
